 The Abortion Decision
Especially for Parents
Welcome to Northland Family Planning Center
Yes, you will find us different. Not only do we provide the best medical care possible, we also create an environment where women and men are treated with compassion, dignity and respect.
Here, we make the world a better place for women.
Your support is valued.
Over the years, most women tell us it helps to have someone to talk to or confide in about feelings. We encourage young women to involve a parent, if that is possible, in the abortion experience. Your support in the abortion experience is important and valued. We're glad you're here for her support, but we also know that you may need some support as well.
Decision-making
Whether or not to continue a pregnancy can be a difficult decision. It is a choice that must make sense not only in the head, but in the heart as well. Here, we treat the mind, body and spirit. That is why we developed our unique Head and Heart Counseling Program. Women of any age who are unclear about their abortion decision are encouraged to work with our counselors and take time to explore their feelings about this pregnancy. We invite you to join your daughter at any Northland Center for this specialized counseling. This is a free community service, offered by scheduled appointment for your convenience.
If your daughter is facing a decision about an unintended pregnancy, you are probably very worried about her. As she considers parenthood, abortion, or adoption, you may be having strong feelings. For her feelings and yours, we also offer The Pregnancy Options Workbook. This is a great resource for decision-making that can be shared, or done individually. Pick one up for free at the Northland office or here on our website. In fact, throughout our website you will find information on abortion care and all our reproductive health services that will answer many of your questions.
We encourage you to review this information with your daughter and to make an appointment to come in and have a conversation with us, if we can help.
What's going on inside?
There are times in all of our lives when we have something important to share, but we can't find the words, or the courage, to share it. Right now, your daughter needs your help and support. Your first reactions may be shock, anger, disappointment, sadness, fear. (Hers, too, we have found.) You may have suspected for a while or you may have asked and she may have denied.
Teenagers, especially, use denial when faced with circumstances that seem overwhelming. You may be feeling overwhelmed, too. If you have another adult with whom you can talk and share your strong feelings, it will help.
After your initial reactions, you are, as a parent, searching deep down inside yourself for understanding, patience and maybe guidance. Remember, your daughter has chosen to come to you with this crisis. Now you must decide how you will respond to her display of trust.
Listen to your daughter.
The single most important thing you can do is to listen to what your daughter says about how she feels. There is no right choice to be imposed, since each pregnancy is a different situation for each woman. In terms of long-range mental health, it is crucial for the woman herself to take the major role in decision-making about her pregnancy. Sometimes this may seem impractical, especially when the woman is young, but this is a vital part of respecting her rights as an individual and, more importantly, of asking her to begin to be responsible for decisions she makes. This may mean that you need to take a step back and let her think this through. By all means share what you think and how her decision will affect you, but please understand that this must truly be her decision.
Who's to blame?
It is natural to want to blame someone – your daughter, the boy involved, or even yourself. There is little point in approaching pregnancy in a punishing manner. It won't make things any better, and it won't improve your daughter's self-esteem, a crucial factor in sound decision making. Chances are she feels pretty bad about herself right now and is looking to you for encouragement and support.
If your daughter's pregnancy is truly the result of an unwilling encounter, such as rape or incest, please tell us and we will work with you and your daughter in dealing with law enforcement and other agencies.
Most parents want to blame the young man involved with your daughter in this pregnancy. Be careful not to set up a hostile situation that drives your daughter to rebellion. This is a time for support and guidance. In some cases, talking with the other family can be helpful.
Caring for your daughter after her abortion
If your daughter chose abortion, your care and support now will contribute greatly to her physical and emotional health. As you may already be all too aware, teenagers can flip from adult to child in a matter of minutes. Patience will be helpful. Understand she is as confused, concerned and worried as you are. In our 30 years of care, we have found the following to be most helpful:
- Be available to your daughter throughout the abortion experience.
- Drive her to and from our Center, fill her prescriptions, check in on her frequently, and bring her back for her important 2-week check-up
- Take some time to sit quietly with her. Listen to her feelings. Watch her body language.
- Reassure her that you love her, will always love her, no matter what.
When You're Ready: Talk with her, or come in and we'll help talk with her, about her future fertility - prevention and protection through responsible reproductive health care: pap smears, birth control, sexually transmitted infections and more.
Post abortion emotional health
While most women, of all ages, feel a sense of relief after making their decision, many continue to experience other feelings like sadness, loss, anger or guilt.
There are many reasons your daughter may have a difficult time coping. Some include:
- A boyfriend who has left her
- A parent who won't let her see her boyfriend
- If she has been emotionally or physically abused
- If there has been a recent death
- If she has chosen abortion and her religion says abortion is morally wrong
- If she blames someone else
- If the pregnancy was wanted
It is helpful to know the warning signs of poor coping:
- Loss of appetite or eating more than usual
- Not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time
- Unable to concentrate, suddenly doing poorly in school
- Crying a lot
- Cutting herself off from friends, staying in her room constantly
- Not caring about her looks or what she wears
- Excessive anger or irritability
- Hinting about suicide or talking about death
If you see any of these signs, talk to her about the changes you are seeing and contact us, a mental health agency or doctor immediately.
How are YOU doing?
As a parent your feelings are very important, too. They will show up in your relationship with your daughter. You may recognize yourself in the feelings parents have expressed to us:
“I am mad and sad. I am so disappointed.” You thought she knew better. Your daughter may have made a different choice than you would have, and she may just have different ideas of morality, but she hasn't rejected you. She is making a choice that is best for her at this time in her life.
Try to remember a time when you disappointed your parents and what you needed from them then. Tell her she is still your daughter and you love her.
“I am so angry.” You have the right to feel anger and it may be helpful for you to find another adult to talk to. Name-calling and criticism don't prevent future mistakes.
Make time to talk when tempers are calm - and listen. Don't give up on her.
“I feel ashamed. I should have protected her.” No parent can know what their kids are doing 24 hours a day. No parent can be totally responsible for their children's behavior - good or bad. You can only teach and guide. Sometimes, experience is the best teacher.
If you shelter her, you will only cripple her ability to make good choices for her life.
“I feel ashamed. I don't believe abortion is right.” You may find that you are reevaluating your beliefs about abortion. If you feel abortion is wrong and your daughter is making this choice, you need to find peace for yourself and forgiveness for your daughter.
Speaking with a trusted friend or your spiritual advisor may help you support your daughter and yourself. You may want to read the thoughts of the “Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice or Catholics for A Free Choice.” Ask for copies at the desk today or read on our website at Resources: Religion and Abortion.
“I feel so bad, like I have failed her.” You did your best. Now you can try and help her. She may be feeling foolish and sorry that she did not follow your advice earlier.
This is a challenging time - it can be a growing time and your new relationship really can be deeper and better.
“I'm worried. I feel like I'm looking at her differently now.” You probably do see her differently. After all, she has become sexual and has been pregnant. This may bring back memories of your own youth - for better or worse. And you are facing new questions about your role with your daughter.
Throughout our website, you will find helpful, accurate and supportive information. A new website has excellent suggestions and ideas for both you and your daughter: Mom, Dad, I'm Pregnant... .
Remember to assure your daughter you love her and be honest and tell her that the conversations you will have now may be broader, may be more intimate, and may be less comfortable at first. But trust - keep talking. Don't pretend this never happened. Let this be a growing point for you - and her.
Remember, this pregnancy can change your relationship - choose from your heart...
Here at Northland, we work from our hearts...
and our hearts are open to yours.
This section adapted from: “Your Daughter Wants to Talk” by Charlotte Taft, Imagine Counseling, “Pregnant? Need Help? Pregnancy Options Workbook” , developed by Margaret Johnston, Southern Tier Women's Services, and “After Her Abortion - for parents, male partners and friends” by Anne Baker, The Hope Clinic for Women.
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