One of the first steps to better emotional health is to identify the feelings you may be having.
Pay attention to your feelings
After the loss of a pregnancy, it is common to feel anger, grief, guilt and/or shame. You may also question your spiritual beliefs or feel a sense of relief or empowerment. You may feel all of these! Some women feel a sense of sadness and a sense of relief at the same time. For some women, the feelings may be felt weeks, months, even years after the loss of a pregnancy through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth or adoption. Whatever you are feeling, you are entitled to a grieving and healing process.
Expressing your feelings is crucial to emotional health as is honoring your experience so that you integrate this event into your life, not push it down or try to forget it. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding someone to talk to, someone you can trust to be non-judgmental. Some women seek out professional counselors or spiritual advisors.
You may want to create your own way to acknowledge your loss or changes. It may be as simple as releasing a symbolic object into the water, planting a tree or writing a letter or poem.
There are many, many resources available to support women who’ve lost a pregnancy. Some are pro-choice, some are anti-abortion and some are very neutral. Our staff is constantly compiling resources to help you with your healing including web sites and phone talk lines.
Letting go of blame – Taking steps to help you feel back in control
For many women, becoming pregnant when they didn’t want to is the most difficult part about having an abortion. Maybe your birth control measures failed or other circumstances may have found you unprotected from pregnancy. It is helpful to recognize you are not alone – you became pregnant under the same circumstances in which many other women have also become pregnant. This may help you to let go of the shame and self-blame you may be experiencing.
Allow time to grieve
Grief is different for everyone. Many women are surprised at how difficult the grieving process can be. There is no set timeframe, although most patients tell us that after two weeks, they are feeling pretty much back to normal. If you or someone you know is feeling a deep sadness and a lack of interest in life that has lasted more than two weeks, we urge you to contact us or a mental health professional for help.
Please remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself time to heal.
Talk to someone you can trust, share your experience with others
Sometimes, just being able to talk with someone who you know will not judge you is a great relief. Find others who are willing to truly listen and who will understand your feelings. If you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, consider calling a trusted crisis hotline (see resources below) who can offer immediate support. You might also find some of your own feelings or experiences in stories of other women who have dealt with painful post-abortion feelings. There are some websites you may find helpful in sharing stories and finding similar experiences, especially if you do not have support around you.
BE AWARE: There are many internet sites designed by people who do not support a woman’s choice of abortion and want to make you feel bad about yourself and your decision. For Pro-Choice supportive sites, go to Choice Link Up
Ways to Honor Your Experience
You may want to create your own way to acknowledge your loss or changes. It may be as simple as releasing a symbolic object into the water, planting a tree or writing a poem. It would be a way for you to memorialize the day and move forward.
Write a letter to yourself
If there are people who oppose your decision or if you are worried about regretting it later, take some time now to write about why you made the choice of abortion and how you felt about ending this pregnancy. Save this to read at a later date if you need to.
Write a letter to the spirit of the child
Many women find they are talking to the spirit of the child inside of them. It may be useful and helpful to write your thoughts on paper. Some women write how they came to their decision, some ask for forgiveness, some thank the spirit for the wisdom or thoughts they have had about life, some write about the love they feel. Sometimes, having a way to say goodbye is an important part of healing.
Embrace Your Spirituality
What is Spirituality? People use many different names for their spirituality. One name is God. Others include Creator, Holy Spirit, Goddess, Greater Truth, Higher Power, Voice Within, Inner Light, Loving Spirit, Divine Feminine or Infinite Wisdom. Our spirituality is wise and loving, and we usually know when we are honoring it. It’s important to discover your own truth and honor it.
Some women feel conflicted about their pregnancy choice, especially the choice of abortion, and their religious teachings. If this is you, or someone you know, we encourage you to look a little deeper into your religion and you may find more tolerance than you expect.
Many faiths teach that the conscience of the individual is supreme. If you carefully examine your conscience and then decide abortion is the most moral act you can choose at this time, your faith may well support you. As with all religions, individuals must decide what their conscience says and their faith advises.
Did You Know?
Women with strong religious feelings choose abortion in the same proportion as all women. And, in fact, many religions support a woman’s right and responsibility to make pregnancy decisions.
RESOURCES
Use factual web sites that offer support and are not judgmental.
BE AWARE: There are many internet sites designed by people who do not support a woman’s choice of abortion and want to make you feel bad about yourself and your decision. For Pro-Choice supportive sites, go to Choice Link Up
Your Backline is dedicated to addressing the broad range of experiences and emotions surrounding pregnancy, parenting, adoption and abortion. The Backline Talkline, 888-493-0092, is a peer-counseling service for women and their loved ones from the US and Canada who are in the process of making decisions, or have already made decisions, about pregnancy.
Faith Aloud is a site that promotes reproductive justice through the moral power of religious and ethical communities.
Religious Coalition for Reproductive Rights
Catholics for Free Choice
Imagine Counseling links you to a series of useful worksheets and connects you to experienced counselors who have worked with abortion patients across the country. $25 introductory fee for an hour session.