After Your Abortion, Caring for Your Emotional Health

Sometimes we find it difficult to talk about what's bothering us, but we have to ask for what we need. Maybe right now, you don't feel you can ask. There are times in all of our lives when we have something to share, but we just don't have the words we need to share it. Here's some help in getting started...

Taking Care of Yourself
Healing Prolonged Grief

If you are reading this, you may be feeling, or know someone who is feeling, a deep sadness and a lack of interest in life that has lasted well over two to four weeks.
Bravo to you for stepping forward.

The decision about whether to bring life into the world gives us a chance to look at our own lives, and to consider what we might want to change in our lives. Over the years, here at Northland, we have noticed most women experience a variety of feelings while making their decision and come to feel at ease with their choice. In a time, they return to their lives with a renewed feeling of purpose and the energy to move forward. A few women do not feel this way, even after a longer period of time.

You may feel you have changed. You may have strong feelings about other people in your life, especially your partner or your family. When there is a lot of change or stress in your life it's good to pay attention to your feelings. At this point, you have read through the helpful Emotional Health section, but you may be feeling you need more. Whether your experience with abortion was a month or a decade ago, if you are still having troubling feelings, we hope the ideas and resources in this section help you move toward your healing.
You deserve peace.

We are glad you have taken this first step toward help.
It is the first and most important step toward healing.

Healing work
Whenever there is an attachment or a connection that is broken off, there can be feelings of loss. Many people are surprised at how difficult the grieving process can be. Grief is different for everyone. There is no set timeframe. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself time to grieve if you need it. Talk to others who understand. Be gentle with yourself.

We don't always talk about loss or grief in our culture and people don't always know what to say. If someone dies, we take comfort from others through the rituals our culture offers. We might get flowers, or sympathy cards, or people might drop in and bring food, or pay their respects. There is a funeral or memorial service.

Pregnancy loss, in our culture, is not often looked at this way, and so many women find themselves alone with feelings of loss and grief. They may even feel that they don't deserve sympathy or that they did something bad and that is why they feel sad or guilty. If you have feelings like these, it may be that you DID lose something important. Perhaps you lost the image of yourself as a mother; perhaps you lost the sense of yourself as “innocent” or as a “good” person.

The loss of a pregnancy, through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or adoption can be experienced as a major loss and deserves its own grief process. Perhaps you are experiencing a sadness of having ending a potential life. Sometimes the anniversaries of this loss or the pregnancy due date bring on feelings of sadness. Sometimes we are also grieving a lost relationship or even the idea of being pregnant and having a family. Perhaps you are feeling your choice of abortion feels like a failure of some kind.

Remember, ‘sad' does not equal ‘bad'.
Life presents us with many choices and challenges. There may, indeed, be several times in our lives when we are challenged to make a decision that we know is best and, at the same time, is a decision that brings with it sadness.

There are times when you can deal with troubling feelings on your own, or with family or friends. However, if the feelings you are having are interfering with your ability to function the way you would like to in your life, we suggest that you consider talking to a professional counselor. We know several compassionate people you might consider.

Resolving: working through, coming to peace with
What is meant by ‘resolving feelings”, or “healing”?

It does NOT mean that you
Pretend nothing happened.
Find a scapegoat to blame for your choices or your feelings.
Make believe everything is all right when it is not.

Resolving feelings and healing DOES mean that you
Identify the feelings you are having.
Express those feelings to someone who will be there for you, just to listen.

Resolving feelings means we are able to live with the contradictions of our choices; that our hearts grow wiser and we have deeper compassion for our own imperfections.

We accept that we have done our best.

Few people have really shared their feelings about abortion because, in our culture, it is treated like a big secret, even though, in 2006, approximately one woman out of every three has had an abortion. That's nearly forty million women since 1973. When you also consider the men and families involved, you can easily see that most of us have been touched by the experience of abortion.

When we keep emotional secrets, they can be like wounds that never heal. For this wound to heal, it must be aired. This wound, like all others, must heal from the inside out in order to become the faint scar that leaves the memory, without the unbearable pain.

If you are reading this and find yourself in tears, allow your feelings to come out. If these feelings seem overwhelming, ask a trusted friend or “healing partner” to go through this with you.

Emotional healing moves forward with support.
You benefit greatly from the support of the people around you. Talking with someone you trust can help you feel less isolated. Support means someone checks in to see how you are feeling. It means offering a non-judgmental ear to listen when you want to talk. It doesn't mean that they can read your mind!

Maybe you don't see any support for you from those around you. Please remember, we are here for you and know several wonderful people available to begin your healing conversation.

Because your healing is in your heart...and our hearts are open to yours.

Healing partners: It's all about YOU.
A healing partner is someone who will hear your feelings without thinking they have to make everything all right, or even try to make you feel better. A healing partner does need to have the understanding that they are not responsible for your feelings and they are able to separate their feelings from yours. You don't need a partner who will become more involved in the feelings than you are, inject their own advice or judge what you are feeling or what you have done. That takes away from your experience and your healing.

A counselor or therapist can be a very good healing partner, because their professional training teaches them to have good boundaries, to be able to truly hear you without taking on your feelings as theirs. We have listed a few trusted resources for you at the end of this page. If you like, we can offer several individuals in our local area for you to consider.

Where do my religious teachings fit in?
As you read in the Emotional Health Handout or on-line in Taking Care of Yourself After Abortion , most religions do offer support for a woman to make the moral choice she feels is best about each pregnancy. Maybe it would be good to re-read the section on Spirituality on the page, Taking Care of Yourself After Abortion.

Living with religious conflict
What we have been taught may not have prepared you for dealing with this pregnancy, your decision process or your healing journey. This may be a time when you reach deeper into your religion, not just your training.

Most religions recognize ‘free will' as both a gift and a responsibility. Not all decisions we make will fit nicely into the decision-making process we are used to using effortlessly everyday. Pregnancy is a prime example.

You may find the resources listed below very helpful in your spiritual journey to forgiveness for yourself. It is helpful to remember again what factors you weighed in making this decision, knowing you did the best you could and finding a path that heals and a way to self-forgiveness. This is crucial to your ability to integrate this experience into your life and to move forward.

PregnancyOptions.info - Spritual and Religious Concerns

Northland Family Planning Resources - Religion and Abortion

It's still just too much.
If this is all still too heavy a weight, please pick up the phone! We are here for you. We have suggestions for people in our community who are open to you. Or, you may find talking directly with Charlotte Taft of Imagine Counseling, whose wise words are throughout this page, may be more what you have in mind.

Whatever you do, please do not sit with your grief until it consumes your life.
You deserve peace.

Beginning the healing steps.

1. Remember each pregnancy is unique.
The particular circumstances of this particular pregnancy are separate from any other pregnancy. The same woman who chooses abortion at one time in her life, may choose parenthood at another time. When pregnancy occurs, you may feel as if your entire past, present and future are up for examination. So, feelings after abortion may also have a great deal to do with other issues in your life that have not been addressed.

2. Whatever you are feeling, all the issues you were dealing with before your abortion will likely continue afterwards.
These problems may get all tangled up in your feelings about this pregnancy and in your feelings about the abortion – and may all seem inseparable. Sometimes, work with a professional counselor who helps you sort all this out is the first big step.

If you are having problems in a relationship or with a family member, working to heal that, perhaps with the help of a counselor or trusted advisor, will be helpful.

And, if you have been prescribed medication for depression or other mood problems, continue it as directed.

3. Identify your feelings.
Are you feeling sadness, anger, shame, fear, happiness?

When we are working to figure out our feelings, we often use ‘thinking' words instead of feeling words. ‘Fine' is not a feeling. As you are figuring out your feelings, see what it is like to use the feeling words listed above.

4. Express your feelings to a healing partner who will listen,
without judging you or your feelings, or trying to make it ‘all right'.

5. This is a time when talking with yourself is good!
If you are feeling a sense of loss, talk to your old self.

Talk to the child you did not have.

Allow yourself to have grief, if that is what you are feeling.

You may want to tell the story of your decision making, to revisit your life at the time.

Imagine a good friend is telling you the story. What would you say to her?

Say goodbye to the child you did not have. Many women design their own ceremonious ritual. Sometimes it's as simple as a letter, written, read and then released.

6. Begin the learning of making clear decisions in the future.
Get as much information as you can – no one ever has it all.

Figure out your choices.

Visualize, really picture yourself in each of the different choices.

Communicate/talk with others who are involved.

Listen to your feelings.

Remember, sad does not equal bad.

There is no chance whatsoever that you will be perfect - no one is! But, listening to your heart and giving voice to your feelings can help you make decisions that you can live with and truly feel at peace.

Often, picking up the phone is your first step toward healing. Call us or reach out to one of these wonderful resources.

This page adapted from, and with special thanks to:

I Know I Made the Right Decision, but... and Your Daughter Wants to Talk by Charlotte Taft, Imagine Counseling
If you are having a hard time emotionally either before or after an abortion, this website links you to some self-probing questions and contact with experienced counselors who have worked with abortion patients across the country, often by phone, making care accessible to all. There is no fee for the initial conversation. The fee for the counseling will be established with your counselor. CALL 1-505-757-2991.
You deserve to feel peace.

Pregnant? Need Help? Pregnancy Options Workbook
This comprehensive website and workbook, is helpful for those wishing to sort out varying emotions before and after an abortion. In fact, ask for a copy at any Northland reception desk.
Developed by Peg Johnston, Southern Tier Women's Services and President of the Abortion Conversation Project www.abortionconversation.com

BACKLINE
This confidential and free Talkline is dedicated to addressing the broad range of experiences and emotions surrounding pregnancy, parenting, adoption and abortion to women and their loved ones. Talkline is open to anyone at any stage of pregnancy decision-making and after your choice was made. Talkline services are available to callers nationwide.

The cultural stigma surrounding abortion will shift with open acknowledgement and support for abortion as a moral choice. This is a shared core belief of this talkline andCAis why we refer exclusively to Backline.
CALL 1-888-493-0092

EXHALE
This is a talkline reserved for those who are having problems after their abortion only.

We hope you will take a look at all the helpful support and information offered throughout our website.

Drop in for a conversation! Locations and Maps

We look forward to talking with you and are here to support your health and your dreams.

Here at Northland, we make the world a better place for women every day, every action, every word.

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Last page update: 9/07